Thanks for joining our mock draft. Only one trade happened that impacted the order, and I’m so confident as your favorite humble baseball writer that I’m keeping the picks the same regardless. Join us as we relive the mock draft:
1) New York Yankees – SP Chris Carpenter
The Yankees finally pick someone who might stop the revolving door of washed veterans taking the mound every five days. Carpenter instantly becomes the most competent pitcher in the organization, which honestly wasn’t a very high bar to clear.
2) Oakland Athletics – SP Matt Morris
Oakland drafts Matt Morris because they are constitutionally incapable of developing offense and might as well lean into their personality. He’s stable, he’s durable, and he won’t demand they score more than three runs per game.
3) Colorado Rockies – 1B Todd Helton
Helton is such an obvious fit in Colorado that the league office probably filled out the draft card for them. He’ll hit .350 at Coors and .245 everywhere else, so basically he’s the perfect Rockie already.
4) Los Angeles Dodgers – SP Bartolo Colon
The Dodgers go full galaxy-brain and take “Big Sexy” despite already tripping over starting pitchers. Colon brings four green pitches, a legendary future belly, and the kind of vibes that make fans forget the team still can’t hit.
5) Washington Senators – 1B Richie Sexson
Washington drafts Richie Sexson because apparently the only organizational strategy they know is “hit ball far.” Sexson will strike out 182 times but also launch 50 homers, which is basically the Senators experience distilled into one player.
6) Chicago White Sox – SP Kevin Millwood
Chicago finally stops hoarding outfielders long enough to notice their rotation resembles a tire fire. Millwood isn’t flashy, but he’s competent, and that alone makes him an upgrade over half the pitchers they ran out last season.
7) Cleveland Spiders – SP Scott Woodward
The Spiders select Woodward, a man who screams “fine, I’ll throw 200 innings if you won’t.” He’ll never win a Cy Young, but honestly neither will anyone else on this pitching staff, so he fits right in.
8) Baltimore Orioles – SP Tony Saunders
The Orioles pretend they’re “patching a hole” but really they just like drafting pitchers who make their fanbase nervous. Saunders brings talent, volatility, and the left-handed chaos energy this rotation deserves.
9) Florida Marlins – 1B David Ortiz
Florida pretends they need outfielders but instead takes Big Papi because shiny things are hard to ignore. Ortiz will DH, mash bombs, and make everyone forget the Marlins still don’t have competent outfielders.
10) San Diego Padres – RF Magglio Ordóñez
The Padres accidentally stumble into value by drafting Magglio and will now claim it was their plan the whole time. He’ll be a fan favorite immediately, mostly because he’s not Eduardo Perez.
11) Los Angeles Dodgers – RF Richard Hidalgo
The Dodgers keep hoarding right-handed bats like they’re preparing for an apocalypse where only RFs survive. Hidalgo finally stops the LF disaster carousel, which last year spun so fast it nearly broke the franchise.
12) New York Yankees – INF Mark Bellhorn
The Yankees draft Bellhorn, guaranteeing themselves 20 homers, 180 strikeouts, and at least three “is he actually good?” debates a year. He plays everywhere, which is perfect since the Yankees currently need help… everywhere.
13) New York Mets – 1B Derrek Lee
The Mets take Derrek Lee because they needed a first baseman who could actually bend over to pick up a grounder. He’s a project, sure, but compared to Olmedo Saenz he might as well be Lou Gehrig.
14) Boston Red Sox – SP John Thompson
Boston drafts Thompson because they literally ran out of functioning pitchers last year and had to start hoping for rainouts. He’s not an ace, but he’s not a disaster either, and that alone makes him a massive upgrade.
15) Cleveland Spiders – CF Torii Hunter
Hunter becomes the new center fielder because Cleveland is tired of pretending their outfield defense isn’t a crime against humanity. He’ll save 20 runs a year just by being upright and conscious.
16) Chicago Cubs – 2B José Vidro
Cubs fans begged for offense, and Chicago delivered by drafting a guy who won’t be good yet but might be good later. Vidro at least gives them hope, which is more than the first half of last season did.
17) Kansas City Royals – INF Miguel Tejada
The Royals grab Tejada because they have a weird obsession with hoarding hitters they don’t need on paper. And because he’s the best player available. And because this is what always happens to Kansas City.
18) Los Angeles Dodgers – C Jason Varitek
The Dodgers finally admit Scott Hatteberg is not, in fact, a catcher and select Varitek to stop the bleeding. He’ll hit enough and actually catch the baseball, which already makes him the best LA catcher in years.
19) Florida Marlins – 3B/OF Fernando Tatís
Florida grabs Tatís, a man who plays everywhere and hits missiles, which perfectly fits the Marlins’ “just wing it” roster philosophy. He won’t fix their broken outfield, but he’ll distract fans enough that they forget it’s broken.
20) Kansas City Royals – OF Mark Kotsay
The Royals take Kotsay because nostalgia is a hell of a drug. He won’t wow with the bat, but he catches everything, which means he’ll basically do half the job of the rest of the outfield for them.
21) Arizona Diamondbacks – 1B Sean Casey
Arizona drafts Sean Casey, proving they’ve embraced their destiny as a team built entirely on soft contact and witchcraft. He’ll slap singles, take walks, and somehow help them win 92 games again.
22) Cleveland Spiders – SP Brett Tomko
Cleveland grabs Tomko because they’re legally obligated to draft a pitcher every 30 minutes. He’s fine, he’s steady, and he’ll save them from having to watch another season of replacement-level innings.
23) Cincinnati Reds – SP Jaret Wright
The Reds select Wright, mostly because he’s young, cheap, and won’t implode like Danny Jackson with a stiff breeze. Cincinnati is good enough to take boring picks, and Wright is wonderfully, beautifully boring.
24) Arizona Diamondbacks – RP Kelvim Escobar
Arizona ends the round by doing the most Arizona thing imaginable: drafting yet another reliever like they’re building a bullpen-themed amusement park. Escobar will be good, because every Arizona reliever is good for reasons unknown to science.